Saturday, June 07, 2014

My Onion.

Some things go unsaid for decades. Some times they stay that way a little longer. Here is what I'm ready to say:

My most recent "look at me now" picture.
     I have continued to loose some weight and my husband and I continue our 5:2 feed fast lifestyle.  In the beginning of August we will round the 1 year mark. I continue to learn a lot about hunger and craving and self control.  There is no better method to understanding for me than this route.  A dedicated effort to withstand 24 hours of hunger followed by two or three days to reflect on the hunger, craving, food quality experiences is expanding. I can not overstate this enough, I had forgotten portion and self control during my six years as a lactating mother.

     Though there is nothing at all I regret about that path, including the weight gain, I have needed to find a new direction in life. The calories I ate had no where to go anymore and post surgery I was still comfort eating my way through some of my emotional distresses. I have learned how often I ate in distress, and it was a lot.  Now I find myself thinking about how I used to eat somethings outside of mealtimes and fantasizing about eating when distressed, but I also know I will be o.k. if I don't eat in those moments, I know I can handle my feelings.  I won't drown in them and I can't cover them with food forever.

      I have also realized a deep root to a significant amount of my emotional pain.  Now that I am addressing my memories, a suddenly acute and long delayed case of PTSD is beginning to subside. With counseling and will power, I know I'll be fine. I think in a way learning to fast two days a week taught me that I had control, and inner strength. Maybe it is a strange route to self discovery but it is a way.

     Two years ago I asked the universe at large to help me conquer my demons... not even knowing what they all were. In layers the infinite onion that we are has been peeling back.  Lessons come as the previous ones have prepared me for the next phase. Kind of like ripping off a band-aid reveals a scab, and under the scab you find a scar.  That is me these last two years.

I tested for Yellow Stripe in TKD recently.
      I noticed my pallor and weight gain.  Perhaps it was and the confused, shocked looks from some at my 20 year high school reunion that helped me to realize just how toxic I had become. Certainly early last summer I wondered if my death would come prematurely. Then I thought of my kids, not just myself.  I love my kids so much, I decided I needed to learn to love myself better, for their sake and mine.

Don't be afraid to start the journey. Way down inside an onion is a fresh green core and potential.  With a little soil and care, it can sprout all over again. My husband say he sees a glow in my face that had gone missing.  I notice it too.  Truth is painful, but it doesn't kill anyone. Waiting too long kills you, even when you are still alive.

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