Best, top to bottom, once a year, Pecan Pie

For Loraine, with love,

Crust recipe
(Flaky pie crust recipe from the news paper, with a secret ingredient add in)
Makes 2 crusts, 1 double or 2 single

2 1/2 cups all purpose flour
1tsp salt
1cup butter, cold, cut
1/4 shortening (I use coconut oil, cold)
1 tbsp rum!
1/3 ice cold water.

Toss salt and flour, smear butter and shortening in. DO NOT mix. Break down the chunks. When pressed in sprinkle in the rum. Drizzle in ice water. It will NOT be cohesive. Pour onto counter top. Smear a bit more, minimally. Gather up and smear out again. As shaggy dough gather up and make two disks wrap in wax and refrigerate for 30 minutes. When ready, rol from the center out, do not overwork. Fold in half and half again to for loose triangle to transfer in to your pie pan. Chill or use as directed by any recipe.

Pecan pie filling.
Old fashioned pecan pie, the very best.

1cup maple syrup
1 cup packed light brown sugar
1/2 cup heavy cream
1tbsp molasses
4 tbsp butter, cubed
1/2 salt
6 large egg yolks, lightly beaten
1 1/2 cups pecans lightly toasted
1 unbaked pie shell, chilled

Adjust oven rack to lowest position and heat oven to 450
Heat syrup, sugar, cream and molasses in a saucepan over medium heat, stirring occasionally, until sugar dissolves, about 3 minutes.
Remover from heat and cool 5minutes
Whisk in butter and salt
Whisk in eggs yolks.
Scatter pecans in pie shell, carefully pour the filling, put into hot oven,
Immediately reduce oven to 325, bake until filling set and center jiggle slightly 45 to 60 minutes
Cool for 1 hour then refrigerate for 3 hours. Serve at room temperature.

My Onion.

Some things go unsaid for decades. Some times they stay that way a little longer. Here is what I'm ready to say:

My most recent "look at me now" picture.

     I have continued to loose some weight and my husband and I continue our 5:2 feed fast lifestyle.  In the beginning of August we will round the 1 year mark. I continue to learn a lot about hunger and craving and self control.  There is no better method to understanding for me than this route.  A dedicated effort to withstand 24 hours of hunger followed by two or three days to reflect on the hunger, craving, food quality experiences is expanding. I can not overstate this enough, I had forgotten portion and self control during my six years as a lactating mother.

     Though there is nothing at all I regret about that path, including the weight gain, I have needed to find a new direction in life. The calories I ate had no where to go anymore and post surgery I was still comfort eating my way through some of my emotional distresses. I have learned how often I ate in distress, and it was a lot.  Now I find myself thinking about how I used to eat somethings outside of mealtimes and fantasizing about eating when distressed, but I also know I will be o.k. if I don't eat in those moments, I know I can handle my feelings.  I won't drown in them and I can't cover them with food forever.

      I have also realized a deep root to a significant amount of my emotional pain.  Now that I am addressing my memories, a suddenly acute and long delayed case of PTSD is beginning to subside. With counseling and will power, I know I'll be fine. I think in a way learning to fast two days a week taught me that I had control, and inner strength. Maybe it is a strange route to self discovery but it is a way.

     Two years ago I asked the universe at large to help me conquer my demons... not even knowing what they all were. In layers the infinite onion that we are has been peeling back.  Lessons come as the previous ones have prepared me for the next phase. Kind of like ripping off a band-aid reveals a scab, and under the scab you find a scar.  That is me these last two years.

I tested for Yellow Stripe in TKD recently.

      I noticed my pallor and weight gain.  Perhaps it was and the confused, shocked looks from some at my 20 year high school reunion that helped me to realize just how toxic I had become. Certainly early last summer I wondered if my death would come prematurely. Then I thought of my kids, not just myself.  I love my kids so much, I decided I needed to learn to love myself better, for their sake and mine.

Don't be afraid to start the journey. Way down inside an onion is a fresh green core and potential.  With a little soil and care, it can sprout all over again. My husband say he sees a glow in my face that had gone missing.  I notice it too.  Truth is painful, but it doesn't kill anyone. Waiting too long kills you, even when you are still alive.

Getting Healthy Part Two.

Myself back in August at my children's Birthday Party

 A change can be seen a bit easier, though it is subtle, between the bottom three photos.  I never have really stepped on a scale during this process.

The photo of me in the green shirt was my before photo that I subsequently could not find for my original Getting Healthy post.

Sometime near August when I started to try and get healthy.

November 11th  or so

Feb 17, 2014

I've been doing a lot of baking this winter so there hasn't been a whole lot of headway.  See photo on the right.  I might actually be getting more headway with my legs and my arms a bit with light exercises.
 I am hopeful that as summer comes the baking will subside, but of course I have to be in charge of that..In the mean time my belly haunts me a bit.