Not Just Pretty

Lately I have thought much of something my father said, and of something our Pediatrician said and somehow right now I see the thin line of truth emerging from my confusion. My father wants me to know I don't have to just make babies. When I mentioned my hard time letting a 3rd baby go into the mist I had not thought of what he might say to it. I think I was looking for consolation of a daughters confused dreams and sensible priorities. Instead he said you don't have to just keep making babies, or something like that. I suppose what matter is not what was said but what I heard. The is honesty.

The pediatrician said something about how he was fond of sleep, isn't liking my co-sleeping ways and wanted not just I but my one year old daughter to sleep through the night. I had hopes of congratulations and admiration for the dedicated ways I am raising my children, no expense or sacrifice too great...

Or how about the friend who really really really wants my to cry out my child at night so we can all get better sleep...

Somewhere deep inside of me a weak voice cries out - "YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND"

This sacrifice is all I have. It is how I honor my female. I want to be all the mother I can be RIGHT NOW. I want to hold babies, my babies and feed them all night. I want to be a babie momma while I can. This will pass this will leave me behind and I want to know I that I lived this time Fiercely. I want to know that I did it all, fell in love, lost sleep, fell somemore, suckled my children, lived their wounds , was totally present and here and maintained presence for them.

Being for them isn't a badge I wear and show for the sake of others. I'm not trying to do this to show off, of live "no life" or be a walking sacrifice. As much as I needed to breast feed after a c section stole womanhood from me for three years... I will not let modern life, other views steal motherhood from me. It Will PASS! It is fleeting. I must do this while I can...

So when my daughter cries I go to her, always there will be a reason, even if I don't understand... and I pray that when she is 15 and crying I go to her, if she will have me, and even if I don't understand, be there for her... not shush her or ignore her.

I can't ignore my children... I couldn't sleep at night at all knowing they thought they needed me... so I loose some sleep now, call me crazy, baby momma that I am.

Not Just Pretty